Overcoming Survivor's Guilt - Cancer Crusade Affirmation

Why should a dog, a horse, a rat, have life,

And thou no breath at all?

~William Shakespeare~

King Lear, V:iii

The lovely young woman pictured above was one of my best friends. Her name was Juanita. The Spanish name is the feminine form of "Juan" which means "God is gracious." After her death from cancer at age 34, I doubted very much and for quite a long time that God was gracious, since my dictionary defines that word as "displaying divine grace, mercy, or compassion."

There had been other losses in my life. The worst was that of my own brilliant, sweet and handsome brother - my only sibling - who also died at the age of 34. There was the young woman with whom I taught who went to bed one night, seemingly the picture of health, and never awakened. And there was the infant son of a neighbor who picked up a nasty virus that took his tiny life in a matter of a few days.

But it was Juanita's death that caused me to experience "survivor's guilt" for the first time, probably because we had had similar diagnoses. Why had cancer taken her and not me? I almost laughed when I heard people say that "life isn't fair" because "fair" is such a wimp of a word to use when taking in the whole of life and death and our poor attempts to find some meaning in all of it. After all, as Johnny Carson once said, "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

In the years following Juanita's death, there was much talk about "survivor's guilt" and much material available on the subject because of events in the news. Most of us felt a bit of its sting when a riding accident left Christopher Reeve's "Superman"" body broken and paralyzed; when a car carrying Princess Diana smashed into the wall of a tunnel in Paris; when an ill-fated flight took the life of John F. Kennedy, Jr. and his wife and sister- in-law; when the unthinkable, the unspeakable happened on 9/11 and the walls of our last illusions came tumbling down, finally and forever.

But for all the material I have come across in the years since Juanita's death, all the books published on the subject of "survivor's guilt," all the television talk show interviews with experts, I find that I return time and again to the most profoundly comforting book I have ever read. When Bad Things Happen to Good People, by Harold S. Kushner, is a small volume, just over 150 pages, easily read in a few hours. I encourage you to purchase a copy, read it and keep it close so that you can read it again and again, anytime you find yourself going to that life-isn't- fair place and wondering why you are still here when someone you loved and cherished is not.

I also encourage you to celebrate the one you have lost and to keep the flame of his or her life shining brightly by giving something good and beautiful to the world with your own life. It doesn't have to be big, but it has to come from a big place in your heart. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it must be generous of spirit.

I won't even begin to list the possibilities because they would be my ideas and not yours, and because once I started to list them, I would never be able to stop. You start. You think. You dream. You imagine. You leave a legacy.

Do it in memory of the loved one you have lost. And do it so that, when you are gone, the world will be twice blessed by your having been a part of it.

For everything there is a season,

And a time for every matter under heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die;

A time to plant,

and a time to pluck up what is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal;

A time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to throw away stones,

and a time to gather stones together;

A time to embrace,

And a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to seek, and a time to lose;

A time to keep, and a time to throw away;

A time to tear, and a time to sew;

A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate,

A time for war, and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

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Roger and Kathy Cawthon

The Cancer Crusade

________________________________________

email: cawthons@thecancercrusade.com

web: http://www.thecancercrusade.com

Now Voyager

To change one's life: Start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions. ~ William James~

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance. ~ Andrea Boydston ~

John Lennon once said, "Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans."

Truer words were never spoken.

It certainly was true in his life. A gifted and immensely popular musician, poet and artist, Lennon had found his soul mate in Yoko Ono, and together they had a healthy, beautiful son. Life was good, and the future looked brighter than ever. Book and movie deals, new recording contracts, gallery exhibits - those were their plans.

Until life happened.

On a cold, drizzly evening in New York City, December 8, 1980, John Lennon was shot and killed outside his Central Park apartment by a crazed fan.

We're all familiar with names of other well-known people who seemed to have their whole lives ahead of them, whose futures held great promise but were cut tragically short. Princess Diana and John F. Kennedy, Jr. are two of the most obvious examples.

The actor Christopher Reeve was surely making other plans when he was thrown from his horse during a riding exhibition in 1995. Life happened in one terrible moment, and he went from being the man everyone knew as the movie hero Superman to a quadriplegic dependent on others for every breath he took. He died from the combined and long-term effects of his injuries nine years later.

Nearly three thousand Americans were making other plans when they went to work or boarded airplanes on September 11, 2001. Their lives ended that day, and the lives of countless thousands of others, their families and friends - who were also making other plans - were forever changed by the nightmare now known simply as "9/11."

All of these people and the tragedies that befell them made headlines around the world either because of the celebrity status of those involved or the sheer enormity of the event. But life happens to ordinary individuals making other plans every single day, quietly and with little or no warning, in doctors' offices and clinics and hospitals around the world. Someone says a single word - "cancer" or "terminal" or "coma" or "inoperable" or any one of thousands of terrifying possibilities - and someone else's life changes forever.

If you're reading this, it's probably because you are one of those for whom life has forever changed because of some circumstance beyond your or anyone else's control. There is some measure of comfort in reminding ourselves that no one gets off this planet without his share of such circumstances. Give yourself time to grieve, focus on slow, deep breathing to calm and center yourself, then begin to move forward again, this time using the new tools and techniques you have learned at such dear cost.

And now begin to really live. No prissy, half-hearted living like you were living before. That wasn't really living, and that you doesn't exist anymore. No putting off dreams until tomorrow. Carpe diem. Carpe diem. Carpe that diem now.

Go live your life. Become who you know you're supposed to be. No holding back this time.In the words of Walt Whitman, "Now voyager, sail thou forth to seek and find."

And don't you dare say it's too late. If you're reading this, it's not too late. It's only too late for the people who didn't wake up this morning.

Live out loud. Be outrageous. Love fiercely. Laugh and cry at the sheer beauty of it all. And thank whatever god you believe in that you have another chance to get it right.

Every day, you get another chance.

Dear God, thank You for allowing me to wake up breathing this morning and for one more chance to get it right. Today I will begin to become the person you created me to be.

Amen
Roger and Kathy Cawthon
The Cancer Crusade

email: cawthons@thecancercrusade.com
web: http://www.thecancercrusade.com

The Healing Chemistry of Tears

The sorrow which has no vent in tears may make other organs weep. ~Henry Maudsley ~

When I was diagnosed with cancer, I thought there could be no scarier words than those my surgeon had just said to me. I was wrong. Over the course of the next few months, I heard far more frightening words over and over again from well-meaning friends and family members. At least once a day someone said to me, "You have to have a positive attitude! That's the only way to beat this thing!"

Each time I heard those words, my heart skipped a beat, and I had to swallow hard tokeep the rising panic down.

I had just been told that I had cancer and that I was facing at least a year of what the medical professionals mysteriously referred to as "very aggressive treatment." Before any of it could begin, I had to sign a 13-page consent form that outlined all of the potential complications and side- effects I might encounter, including "sudden death."

I desperately needed and wanted to cry, and yet everyone kept telling me not to, that that would be "giving in to it" and evidence of a "negative attitude." I began to believe that if I cried, it could actually cause me to die. I thought that I would not die of cancer, but of negative thinking.

I want to say again and really emphasize that these were well-meaning friends and family members who love me. But they were not cancer survivors. They were people who cared about me who were only repeating words they had heard somewhere because they didn't know what else to say. The fact of the matter is that the best thing someone could have said to me at that point was (and please listen up here, caregivers), "You need to have a good cry."

There is considerable scientific evidence to indicate that the shedding of tears may be involved in removing waste products and toxic substances from the body. The chemical composition of tears resulting from emotional stress (grief, fear, anger, etc.) is known to be different from that of tears produced while cutting onions. Scientists speculate that this is why we experience an increased feeling of well-being after having a "good cry."

University of Minnesota researchers who are studying the chemical composition of tears have isolated two important chemicals (leucine-enkephalin and prolactin) in emotionally shed tears (as mentioned earlier, tears released in response to an unemotional activity, like cutting an onion, don't contain these chemicals). The researchers say that leucine- enkephalin may be an endorphin, one of the natural pain relievers released by the brain in response to stress. William Frey, Ph.D., a biochemist and the leader of the research team, suspects that tears cleanse the body of substances that accumulate under stress. In other words, crying seems to be a healthy and very appropriate way to respond to stress.

Conversely, to resist crying may be harmful to your health. It's possible, say researchers, that men develop more stress- related illness because they don't cry as freely as women do.

So are we to ignore the "positive attitude" advice? Absolutely not! But we need to understand that it will develop over time. It will come with experience along the way of the cancer journey. You will reach a place where you will feel more positive because you will regain control. You will understand more. You will not feel that you are lost and floundering in a foreign land. You will learn the ropes. You will become something of an expert on your specific cancer and treatments, so far less will be unknown to you and you will therefore experience less fear.

But there will also be times when you feel like crying, and when that feeling comes over you, you need to give in to it. Crying does not mean that you don't have a positive attitude. It simply means that your body needs to cleanse itself of some stress-related toxins so that it can get on about the business of healing. Help your body and your spirit heal by having a "good cry."

Roger and Kathy Cawthon
The Cancer Crusade